month two with our ellie girl.

They say time flies… and they aren’t kidding!

I still feel like we just brought our sweet girl home and here she is all chubby faced and two months old already! I am amazed at how much she has changed in such a short time and how we’ve all adjusted to being a family of five (because the dogs are our first babies of course).

how she’s changed.

Ellie is honestly changing every day. She now has these chubby cheeks and adorable leg rolls! I packed up her newborn clothes the other day which was so bittersweet. Sad to be packing away such cute things and wanting to keep her tiny but also happy that she’s flourishing and growing so strong! She’s now in all 0-3 month clothing and can even wear a few of her 3 month onesies! We had to make a quick trip to the Pediatric office this month because our girl was just not herself for a few days and developed a pretty ugly looking rash. She weighed in at 10lbs 7oz! I wanted to rule out the rash being a factor in her fussiness and wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing something, so I took her in… it ended up being baby acne/a heat rash. Which has kind of come and gone throughout this month. Couldn’t pin point her fussiness. The Pediatrician said she looked perfect but maybe just wanted to be held by Mom a little more and that is ok. However, she continued to not be herself for a couple more days. Started almost completely refusing formula bottles but drinking a full 3 ounces of breastmilk and then getting mad when we would give her the formula bottle. Spitting up much more after drinking an ounce of formula which I started to feel like I was force feeding her. So we made some changes. BYE BYE FORMULA! Our girl is solely on breastmilk now and happy as can be about it. She’s a completely different baby. I am not for or against either formula or breastmilk to be honest. FED IS BEST! My reason for breastfeeding in the first place was just to experience it. Our girl just wasn’t tolerating the formula very well, or she’s just high maintenance and knows what she wants… we’ve yet to decide which one it is. Other than that visit to the pediatrician’s she’s doing great! Cooing more and more every day. She loves to smile and loves to stare at her mama. Like seriously, stare, it’s creepy sometimes… I truly wonder what she could be looking at for so long. She’s still loving the farm play mat and loves when dad reads to her and sings to her too. She’s constantly looking at the sun shining through the windows in every room we take her in. We’ve learned that couch naps are her absolute favorite and she’s a fan of her puppy brothers kisses even though we like to keep those at a minimum.

but let’s talk about sleep.

Up until about a week ago we were still wondering if we would ever know what sleep was again. We switched up some of our “routine” kind of let some things go, kept some things the same and added a couple others. We started somewhat of a “quiet time” in the house in the evening when she gets her bed time bottle and I let her take her last couch nap while Brian and I catch up on some shows. Once she wakes up I give her a nice warm bottle with an extra half an ounce in it and swaddle her in a Swaddle Up from Love To Dream - we have the Original one that we are using now and it’s nice and lightweight so she doesn’t get too warm when she’s sleeping because girlfriend is a hot box when she sleeps. Everyone kept telling us we needed to swaddle her to get her to sleep, but from day one she hated being swaddled. While in my belly, every ultrasound we had she had her hands up by her face at all times. So traditional swaddling just didn’t work for her. With this swaddle she’s able to keep her arms up like she likes to sleep and even bring her arms in to suck on her hands to soothe herself. Ever since using this swaddle she’s only been getting up once or twice a night! LIFE CHANGING!

how we are adjusting and how recovery is going.

Adjusting has been a challenge for sure and just when I was starting to feel like we were getting a routine down… Brian had to go back to work. He was able to be off for a full 2 months with us and looking back at the last 2 months and having my first 24 hour shift by myself with her, we miss the crap out of him! But, just another adjustment that we will be making and figuring out getting into a groove. Brian going back to work meant my maternity leave was truly over as well. I am back to work with a full end of Fall and Winter booked with sessions! One of my biggest fears was slowing down with work because I had invested so much over the last 2.5 years with my business. It’s truly become my little baby. Although I will be cutting the amount of sessions I take on a monthly basis in half, I am super excited to get back at it and fill my calendar again.

Recovery is getting easier. Physically my incision is all good and I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight (thank you breastfeeding) however, my body is so different then it was before pregnancy. That, along with hormones is so crazy to accept and deal with. Half of me loves my post pregnancy body and is like “yeah, this body grew a freaking tiny human” the other half of me is like “can I go back to that time where I thought I was “fat” or naw?” - Body positivity is something I have always struggled with. Struggled to be skinnier or more toned or whatever really. So, it’s a challenge, BUT. My new goal is to love the skin I am in. Whatever that looks like, as long as I am healthy… I want to learn to appreciate this mama body and all that it has done and can do. Like providing food for our girl. It truly is amazing what women’s bodies can do and can go through. At my six week post op appointment I went in thinking I would be cleared to start up boxing again and get back to the gym… but, unfortunately, I was only cleared for “light jogging, walking and light weights” so that was pretty disappointing. They said to give it a few more weeks before I do anything with high intensity. So light jogging and walking it is!

Like I said in last month’s post, I could go on and on about recovery and all the things I felt/feel or never knew that I wish I did. I think it should all be talked about SO much more. My anxiety has been at an all time high and the feeling of panic for no real reason sometimes even comes over me. Which is real hard for me to cope with because I am not really one to panic… or feel that way generally. Everything right now is just a huge, new adjustment. It isn’t all bliss. Everyone expects you to just be on cloud 9 and stay there and although I absolutely LOVE our girl and I am so incredibly grateful for this season of life. I will also be the first one to admit, none of this is as easy as I expected it to be. Each day is getting easier though and I feel like I am heading towards my hormones coming to somewhat of a balance, so that helps a lot!

overall.

Overall we are still adjusting but I think that is just life. Nothing ever stays the same. The only thing truly consistent in life is change. I feel so grateful to have such a beautiful little girl and family overall. I am excited to get back to work because I have missed all my kjk families and so excited for all of the holidays coming up that we finally get to experience with a baby!

xxo, koiya

ellie's birth story.

Where to even begin!

Our little girl is finally earth side and we are so exhausted and happy haha!

We went in to be induced at 37.5 weeks thanks to me ending up with gestational diabetes. Originally she was tracking around 6lbs 13oz and they didn’t want her to get too far passed 7lbs.

On Monday, August 26th we went in to start our induction. It was scary and exciting all wrapped up into one. We went in and started in triage where they got me into a gown and started a full work up. Checked on our little girl to make sure she was still head down and ready to go. While we were in triage completing our final NST we heard a woman clearly in active labor right outside the door. No meds. Barely made it into a room to deliver. Up to that point I had been sticking to trying to have a fully natural birth with no meds. I personally get really sick from anesthesia and wanted to make sure our birth experience was as calm as it could possibly be.

But… nothing ever goes as planned in life right? I was in for a treat!

Once we got into a room to start the process things were great… I progressed slowly the first day… stayed dilated to 2cm for most of the evening and next day. My contractions came to a stand still the evening of the 27th after being on Pitocin for a couple hours so they decided to restart the entire induction. Our doctor said sometimes restarting does like a reset on things and the jump starts active labor… so we did. That evening I had a few more doses of Misoprostol which is a medication that helps make the cervix “favorable” for birth. Around 6:00am on the 28th I started having stronger contractions that were between 2-4 minutes apart. Within the hour they were about 1-2 minutes apart. They came and checked me. Said I was dilated to 4-5cm and asked if I wanted to get the epidural. After another hour or so of contractions being 1-2 minutes apart I decided I definitely wanted the epidural. I really sat there thinking holy shit why did I think I could do this without meds. I commend anyone that is able to because DAMN DID IT HURT. By then I was dilate to 6cm and that was my goal going in… to at least make it to 6cm before making the decision to either do the epidural or push through the pain. Fortunately, I decided to do the epidural. After getting it, my water broke. They checked me a couple hours later and I was dilated to 9cm. They came in, prepped the room for delivery and told us I would be pushing within the hour which was so exciting for us. Things went from a standstill to go time so quickly and I was so excited to be pushing soon and meet our girl!

Our girl had other plans... I stayed dilated to 9cm ALL DAY on the 28th and most of the evening. At this point… I had been in latent labor for 39 hours and active labor for about 13 hours… and still no baby. Her heart rate kept dropping when I would have strong contractions so around 6:45pm our doctor came in to tell us our options. We could continue waiting and monitoring her heart rate, but know that if it dropped too low again we would be rushed in for an emergency c-section, put me back on the Pitocin and again monitor her, or go in for the c-section on our own so it was non-emergent and more “planned” so to speak. I will be honest at this point I was feeling exhausted and defeated and totally emotional. Brian was continuing to be my cheerleader and put my focus on the fact that either way we were about to meet our little girl. After asking our doctor what he thought… he said that in the 23 years he had been in practice he had never had a baby that got to this point and stayed at this point for so long come down through the birth canal. So… we decided the c-section was the best choice for not only her health, but mine as well. Within a matter of minutes an entire team came in and changed the room over from delivery to prepping for a c-section and getting the OR ready. It was literally an art. They gave Brian surgical gear and prepped me for the spinal. Our amazing nurses walked me through everything as I laid there crying. I honestly was so nervous and excited and exhausted all at the same time. It was something like accepting defeat but also relief at the same time. Hard to explain. Our nurse anesthetist was truly amazing and since she had had three prior c-sections she literally walked me through every single aspect of the process and made me feel much more at ease getting rolled into the OR.

I will spare you all the specifics of the c-section, but truthfully... It wasn’t that bad. I felt nothing but pressure and within minutes our Ellie girl came into the world and of course again, I could not stop crying haha!

(looking super awful in all these photos, but hey, real life!)

In all honesty… I feel like everything worked out exactly how it was supposed to. Once Ellie arrived my doctor told me that her cord was actually wrapped around her neck, loosely, but still around her neck. Had I dilated to 10cm and started to push it would have acted similar to a bungee cord and tightened and pulled her back with every push. So I would have ended up with an emergency c-section and with her in distress. Everything happens for a reason I suppose!

After hanging out in recovery for a couple hours we rolled passed the lobby with our girl to head to our room and it was full of family and friends waiting to meet our girl. All people who have been there every step of the way through our fertility journey through the last three years. My heart was so full.

The next couple days were honestly a blur full of visitors and recovery for myself. Recovery from a c-section is no joke. Not only are you recovering from major surgery and limited on things you can actually do, for instance get out of bed without supervision, go to the bathroom, move around at all truthfully without some kind of discomfort… but, you’re also feeling all these crazy hormones. I truthfully felt like I was on a complete life high while we were in the hospital. Some mix of the best feeling in life while also being so incredibly exhausted you can barely keep your eyes open. After being at the hospital from Monday to Friday… I woke up Friday ready to go home. Physically, I probably could have used another day in the hospital, but mentally I needed to be back home and recovering more comfortably and starting this new chapter. I told the nurses that I wanted to go home and they said if I checked all the boxes we were good to go! At that point, Ellie had already had all her testing done so, she just needed her bath and one last weight! Our girl was perfect, leaving the hospital at 6lbs 1oz!

Ellie’s birth truly showed me that no matter how much you think you are prepared… you truly can’t be when it comes to bringing a tiny human into the world. She had her own agenda starting from when we found out about her on New Year’s Eve and we’ve been wrapped around her tiny little finger ever since.

xxo, koiya